I was skimming through a journal and came across these notes I had written a few months ago regarding Matthew 13 . . . the tares and wheat I alluded to in the breath and blood post: . . . It isn’t until the wheat bears fruit that the weeds are evident. Falseness riding the coattails of truth . . . or trying to. I ended that post with a sentiment I now have more explicit scripture for . . .

“HIS FAITH IS NOT IN ME TO GET IT RIGHT ALL THE TIME, TO NOT MAKE A MISTAKE, TO NOT BE MISUNDERSTOOD, WRONGLY PERCEIVED, OR EVEN TO NOT PASS POOR JUDGEMENT ON WHICH LYRIC IS THE HOLIEST ONE. HIS FAITH IS IN HIMSELF TO SUSTAIN ME AND KEEP ME FROM STUMBLING. AND HE WILL.” Essentially, what Paul writes to the church in Corinth . . .

so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

{see 1 Corinthians 2:2-10}

The more fruit I begin to bear, the deeper the roots of my weeds seem to be. Basically everything I thought I was here to do is coming up different. To reference The Sims {lol}, my aspirations have needed to change. Which is to say . . . me. I need to change. My heart needs an update.

What I’m seeing is that the smallness of my thinking – in what I have so often considered simplicity – has merely been little faith. It’s been me trying to keep myself and become my own sustainer; the glory and the lifter of my own head. But my faith is not supposed to rest in my own wisdom – no matter how many facets of God’s reflections I think I can see. My faith is supposed to be in the power of God to sustain me. It’s supposed to be in His love. He is supposed to get the glory for holding me together. How have I not known this? . . . clinging so tightly to my doll-house dreams.

And how have thirty two years passed already? Why do nineteen months of this decade hit so different than the decade, itself? I think because I know for certain that I do not Have What It Takes. Like, not even a little bit. But God loves me more than I realize. And that makes me stronger than I know.

. . . & &

songs that come to mind . . .
power | james morrison
you hold me together | dierks bentley
Psalm 86

C O M M E N T S

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