There are some people who don’t like to be boxed in. I am not one of them. GIVE ME ALL THE DESIGNATIONS. Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging. SiTeFiNe. 1w9. Gold. So here we are again at a departure point from all of my grande plans. I think what I might be seeing is that more than all of the specific things I ‘haven’t gotten to do’ . . . all that hasn’t ‘panned out’ as they say {a reference to gold-rushing, I would think}. It’s closure itself and the concept of a conclusion that I tend to cling too tightly. And I have known that, but I haven’t known it.

I have been far more willing to accept my failure to come to the *correct* conclusion than I have been to relinquish completely this concept of closure that I’ve carried so closely to my chest for as long as I can remember . . . looking for a place to finally and actually rest. Speckless perfection. Not a single thing else to be done or accomplished. Naturally, I am the tireless striving type. If I got time to lean, I got time to clean, amen? Ha. And these other people are clearly far less conscientious so I should probably just do it myself.

But I also value harmony and boundaries. Deeply. I like to be ‘left alone’ so to speak . . . I am probably more live and let live than people may initially perceive or expect me to be. So, much of the tireless striving has been in my own heart. Trying to feel all the right things at all times. Trying to get my flesh straightened out and in line . . . aligned. Not hearing that, no Bek – it needs to die.

My flesh is never going to get with the program.


. . . clutch the pearls if you must.

And. A super-natural way of living is available to me . . . those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires {Galatians 5:24}. That’s me and that’s what happened. I decided a long time ago to kill my flesh and belong to Jesus. I have struggled with the desire piece because one way ‘perfectionism’ tends to show up anyway is not wanting to want the wrong thing, and not trusting that what you want is right. But the desires of the flesh are often some underlying perversion of a good desire in your heart. And God delights in delivering what our hearts desire {Psalm 20:4, Ruth 1:9, Proverbs 13:12, Psalm 37:4, Psalm 35:27, Luke 12:32, 3 John 2}.

What I’m seeing lately is that under the specifics – which have not been inherently bad or wrong – has been the desire to get past needing faith. That’s the whomp. And it’s the mercy of God that will not allow it. Without faith it is impossible to please Him, let alone become His friend, or receive all the goodness that He longs to lavish. And you guys, the friendship of God is so sweet. So transcendently satisfying.

So even though I willfully crucified this flesh to belong to King Jesus, I clearly didn’t think that I {of all people, ha} would have to deal with and endure continual pruning and pulling up weeds. The ongoingness of specks, of messy minutiae, of dissenting opinions, and even the wildness of God that I bear the image of are a lot for me to deal with some times. Particularly when I feel pressure from other people to be and do and care about and agree with all of their . . . stuff. I get tired of not being around people who 100% agree with me on everything, and at the same time I don’t really want to only ever be with people who 100% agree with and are like me because I know it would be a false peace. It wouldn’t be true humility-dependent harmony. You don’t have harmony unless people are singing, playing, humming, strumming differently.

So anyways, what I long for is the Kingdom. The colorful, cozy, golden, speckless perfection of Heaven. Nothing distracting or hindering me from the full-on pure presence of God. And in the interval there are antidotes for the anger and irritation that come with the lack of clean conclusions. There is Psalm 37 and 1 Corinthians 2:5 and Psalm 55:22 and Matthew 11:28-30. There is rest. Actual rest and an end to the wrong kind of striving. I just have to receive it by faith. Because faith is what it takes to cast cares and roll over burdens and choose to rejoice when the bottom of your car gets scraped up on a poorly implemented concrete elevation with far too sharp of an instant incline. 🙂

It’s easier than you think to cling to something {or someone} you can see in hope of respite and stability . . . to find yourself holding your breath until something in particular works out. Even if the ‘seeing’ is still immaterial, like you can ‘see’ something going in a certain direction . . . you can see things working out a certain way.

But if you are only looking for one kind or type or materialization of goodness and deliverance, you will miss the rest. And the one thing you are waiting for may never show up. That’s always been a problem with God’s people . . . that’s how the first generation of ancient Israel missed out on the promised land and how Naaman almost missed out on his healing and how the pharisees missed Jesus and how even His followers were disappointed in Him. They thought they weren’t going to have to fight or be uncomfortable; he thought there would be some kind of significant-seeming ritual; they thought no way He could come from Nazareth; they thought He’d come like a king.

But friends, the ship of God’s perfect planetary will for us all has sailed. And we’re the ones that undocked it. Through Jesus, rest is ready for us; it just takes faith to receive it {Hebrews 4}. And I can learn to be the type of person who is ok with broader boundaries and winding roads and not knowing where I am going. I can be the type of person who pleases my Creator with my faith. And by His grace I can learn to enjoy it.

Return, o my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

. . . & & // happy weekend.


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