I recently discovered that I have been “Running On Empty{Jonice Webb}. It “started” with a trip to my friendly neighborhood Sola a couple of months ago during which Rooney’s When Did Your Heart Go Missing? played over the coffeehouse speakers.


I have long believed that God fully intends to give me the desires of my heart as I delight myself in Him. But I have not long been able or strong enough to see and name my desires for what they actually are. I have not trusted my wants.

My heart desires to be loved & courageous & wealthy & wildly successful & soft & vulnerable & strong. Kept. Taken care of. My heart desires to belong with somebody and be fueled in every way with what I need as a human woman to glorify God with my short time on the planet. In the past few months, I’ve been shown an enormous blindspot I have traipsed around with all my life. I’m starting to see that my desires have long been distorted and pared down . . . clipped and malnourished. Starving.


I have in my relationship with God come to experience much of His humor. And this song feeling incredibly and providentially soundtracked that day was one of those moments. Particularly with the hyperbolic and sarcastic-feeling freestyle as the song fades out, ha. God had been, and continues to reckon with me regarding my emotions. I am coming to better understand their significance by way of attachment. Spiritual emotional-attachment to God as our Father affects our faith.

I grew up in a faith-oriented environment in which I was rightly taught that we are not moved by how we feel; but I was also astute enough to notice that certain people’s feelings evidently mattered a whole lot . . . mingled with dysfunction of varying degrees, I observed and interpreted that to mean that my feelings, specifically, didn’t matter. I was not taught to acknowledge, honor, and process the feelings that don’t have to move me. So I am learning now. 🙂

God has been fighting through jungle and brush to get to my heart, and I have run deeper into the Amazon when I have seen Him coming behind me with a machete. Ha. But He is close enough now – if you will – for me to see in His heart and His effort and His hand that He is for me. The exposure He is hunting for is a necessary goodness. More than even I do, He wants me to be loved & courageous & wealthy & wildly successful & soft & vulnerable & strong. Kept. Taken care of . . . fueled in every way with what I need as a human woman to glorify Him with my short time on the planet. And all of me is required, emotions included.


And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?

Deuteronomy 10:12-13

take heart,
R.

C O M M E N T S

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