I’ve seen reflections on Two Years Ago memed and introspected lately by people who have become internet famous in that time . . . commentating on our society and what it’s like to live in whatever state of mental health they find themselves in with once-coveted generic and vague Corporate Careers. My own lyrics come to mind as I think about how little time we all have left down here on the planet . . . what a time, what a time to be alive | what an antiquity to live . . . more existential thoughts in big box stores that seem to have gradually devolved into temples of self-indulgence over time. And yet, twenty four months are not much.

Two years ago I had not yet become a realtor, or an easily-streamable recording artist. I had not yet left the turf shack, or met some of the people who have – in the course of these short months – significantly impacted the outcomes of my life.

Existence.

Two years ago I stood outside of a Best Buy on the phone with my big brother en route to buy a charger for my government-issued public university laptop to Work From Home . . . wondering what shape this all would take, but suspecting that it’d be much bigger than just two weeks.

Two years ago my only debt was a manageable car payment. And now I’m further in it than I ever thought I would be.

But. I have finally actually started on my Assignment {s}. And I believe that the Lord will deliver me.

For years and years I gave genuine glory to God for having graduated from college without any student loans, but prided myself on not having any other debt either . . . and then I realized there was no functional difference between taking a loan to record the music I felt called to release and taking a loan to earn a degree in a field that one feels called to contribute to.

Not too long ago, I had in mind to write a blog post on hope-full-ness. And in incubating notions, I realized that I personally had never experienced the feeling of hopelessness to any mentionable degree. I’d felt discouragement and helpless to change certain circumstances, but never really even close to hopeless. And then December came.

I found out experientially that there is a particular kind of crushing hopelessness that can come with losing your job while still owing money that is a different kind of accumulating stress from just being broke. It’s like wiping out in the ocean and getting held down by wave after wave after wave without real relief.

Winter got long and I didn’t have the contracts I thought I’d hit the ground running with and I had to spend what I had left on moving and higher rent. And I felt hopeless. And tired. I had never felt more tempted to fully forsake what I am called to in pursuit of ‘financial stability.’ Because it’s been so long, or felt that way at least. And in the past two years, there have been too many mirages of what my heart has wanted that never actually came to fruition.

But in the closeness of lurking hopelessness, God has remained my salvation; my strength and my song. He has graciously led me to scriptures and sermons that have encouraged me and kept me from quitting. And He has provided for me through the generosity of His people. His strength has been made perfect in my weakness and continues to be. And I am thankful.

take heart
R.


closest to hopeless

THE CLOSEST TO HOPELESS THAT I’VE EVER BEEN
WAS WHEN DEBT PILED UP HIGHER
THAN DEPOSITS DIRECTED
I SWORE I WOULD NEVER SEE CRAIGSLIST AGAIN
ONCE I GAVE UP THE WEST COAST & RUNNING

but i’d be a fool to ever trust money instead of trusting You.
oh, i’d be a fool – i’d be a fool to ever trust money instead of trusting You.

QUICK HIRES AND ROOMMATES
AND BILLS COMING DUE
ASKING FOR HELP WITH ANOTHER SUDDEN MOVE
FAITH FEELING FRAGILE & DIGNITY TOO,
BUT WHAT WOULD I GAIN IF I GAVE UP TOO SOON?

i’d be a fool to ever serve money instead of serving You.
what good would it do
for me to serve money instead of serving You?

SPARROWS & PARABLES, DOES LIFE CONSIST
IN BARNS OR STOREHOUSES OF COVETOUSNESS
WATCH & TAKE CARE THAT I DON’T LOVE POSSESSIONS
ABUNDANCE IS GOOD, BUT I MUST LEARN THIS LESSON . . .

i’d be a fool to ever love money instead of loving You.
oh, i’d be a fool – i’d be a fool to ever love money instead of loving You.

what good would it do for me to love money instead of loving You?


Matthew 6:24 “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money.

25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God[e] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

2 responses to “closest to hopeless”

  1. Two years! I’ve felt like I was frozen in time while everything else–everyone else–moved forward without me. I can see better now. Maybe not clearly, but clearer, and I’m building hope that I can be more than just OK. Your dedication to God (and His to you) inspires me, and I’m glad you continue to pursue what He has called you to even when you were so close to hopeless. It’s often easier to chose situations that seem to offer stability even when we know it’s not what we’re being called to–I’ve done so more times than I care to admit. Blessings to you!

    Liked by 1 person

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