tsj 30.6 // May 2022

I ate a lot of pizza in 2020. And walked in wide places. And fell in love.

After living through last year and its drastic devastations {ha}, I feel aged.
For some reason in this moment, light years older.

But light-years measure distance, not time.

twenty-five years,
fifteen more – ten hours on the production floor

kyle said he could take my shift
so we could take a drive and look at it

There is something about this song, and those lyrics in particular that strums my soul-strings. it might actually be nostalgia, which I am wary of … but it’s also the deceptive agelessness of California. As if life doesn’t actually go by.

You just wake up and keep living – next to the ocean – until one day you don’t.

And what have you done with all that time by the sand? So much sand that hour-glasses don’t seem to be emptying.

There is so much that I have wanted and will never have. And. God’s plan is so much better. Even when only the cusp can be seen. There are wider places to walk in.

I’m pretty sure I broke up with instagram today … again; but for good.

Light-years measure distance, not time. So to be light years further {not older} is actually a good thing. Even though I feel stretched from the journey. I have a God who carries me – to old age and grey hairs. A Creator who designed me to be sustained by His Glory; to abide in His love and delight in His presence and bear fruit. As a branch that abides in the vine that it came from.

Even to your old age,’ God says, ‘I am He – and to grey hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear. I will carry and will save.

Isaiah 46:4

I may have been my own biggest delay. All this time … not willing, not really. Afraid of being alive and wanting to hide. Because I didn’t know that I could be carried. I didn’t know the whole of what it means to be saved. In the irony of leaning on my own understanding, I have been both attached to and frustrated by ‘obscurity’. It’s hard to put so much into something that so few people seem to care about. And. I have dreaded what I have deeply believed to be the inevitability of my own celebrity. ha.

But it’s hard either way … its hard to do the soul-work of growing beyond what you know and it’s hard to spend ten hours on a production floor … its hard to use shift tips to buy gas to get home.

I’m tired of quietly asking for attention in ways I didn’t realize that I was.
My identity is surer than it has been.
And God’s glory is my aim.

It has been a crucible to get here, but the oxygen added to flame from the peak of a rugged mountain is incredibly refining. Breathing from the liberty of getting lost in God’s light solves the paradox of glory that’s too heavy for men to bear. I get to do excellently what I am called to do from the bestowed condition of human, being. I am the small town girl in her daddy’s car dealership commercial that everyone knows is only holding the mic because she’s his baby …

What all does it even mean to be the daughter of God? Quite literally a goddess. Not worthy to be worshipped, but through the spilled blood of King Jesus, righteous. By faith and association …

if we really understood the honor it is to behold – let alone reflect – the glory of God … oh, we would weep.

I have been thinking of Jesus’ blood that soaked the earth and became embedded in the ecosystem … forever. He has claim on this planet again. First, by right of the sound waves He spoke over the deep to form it … and also by right of His blood … ‘the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.’

Jesus provided a complete redemption.

His blood bought the dirt back that our bodies are made from. By faith He took on the sins He didn’t commit and the dis-ease and poverty that resulted from them so that we could receive by faith His righteousness and the riches of Relationship and full material provision that we forfeited when we reached for the forbidden tree and snapped its fruit from the branches …that breach and severance was the past two-thousand-plus years worth of chaos and ache in an instant. This whole story is a lot more simple and of the earth than we have realized.

All these metaphors we may have become accustom to hearing so often speak direct truths.

They are not always only allegories and analogies.

other inspo credits:
light years | the national
lead us back | sojourn music


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